HEY!

SALVATION!

The First Noel the police did arrest! ANDERSON, Ind. - A Salvation Army bell ringer sang "The First Noel" while shoplifting Christmas ornaments on his break, police said. Sean M. Sayers, 33, Anderson, was arrested Wednesday on a misdemeanor charge of conversion. You really can get too much holiday spirit, especially if you don’t pay for it, ya jackass!

So True.

OMG! OLD!

The last 48 hours have been a time of reflections and aspirations. I have reflected on my life up until this point. The good times, the hard times, and the really hard times. All in all, I don't think I'd change a thing. I have also been dreaming of things. Things that everyone wants and desires. A life free from worry, free from want, free from financial burden. I am not being unreasonable here. The more I think about it, the more I think that all that can actually happen. If there is one thing that I have learned these 30 years, it is that anything, I do mean anything, is possible! Cheers!

It's about damn time!

FUCK YOU FRED PHELPS YOU SCUMBAG!@

Like A Lawn Chair

Another Indiana Oddity

SCHERERVILLE, Ind. - Snowball the cockatoo can't get enough of the Backstreet Boys.

Back Home Again In Indiana

CHOMP! "She looked at me and smiled and said, 'Oh, it was just a play bite. He's not hurt."

What the fuck is wrong with people from Indiana?

You Can't Sue God, Silly!

If this retard can sue God.....then I wanna sue Santa Claus, that fat bastard dicked me over!
Check the story!

Only In Indiana!

"I've dated a lot of psychos in my life, but nobody like that!"

Watch Video Here!

"Can you believe this shit? Hell has frozen over. Suck it, Jesus, this award is my god now."

You go girl!

I Want My Rent, Bitch! (REVISED! FUCK YOU TUBE!)

Are You Ready For Some Football?!?

Peyton Manning Shows His Backup Proper Way To Hold Clipboard
"I even caught him out of the corner of my eye letting the clipboard hang carelessly down by his thigh during our preseason game against the [Chicago] Bears," said Manning, adding that he had not said anything to Sorgi at the time because he wanted to give him a chance to rectify the problem on his own. "I almost burned a time-out, but that was on the same day he took my advice to affix an 18-inch length of clean white cord to the clipboard in order to keep better track of his writing utensil, so I let it slide. Baby steps, after all."

It's Over

There's just one more thing.....I'm gonna need to get my handcuffs and my whip and my leather lingerie back. Also the box of edible panties. k thx bai.

Ahhh, the weekend is upon us again :)

So happy it's Friday!

Traffic Court

Timmy has traffic court today!


Hopefully that Meanie McNasty cop won't show up!

Keep your fingers crossed!

What did I do?

Allegedly, I ran a red light. Sure looked yellow to me!

Advice From Timmy

Handle every situation like a dog....

If you can't eat it or screw it,

piss on it and walk away.

Sad, Sad World :(

This makes Timmy sad.

No more Atkins Cheesecake for me.

TGIF

• It's gonna be hotter-n-hell this weekend. I am planning on being poolside!
• Pablo is a jerk.
• indygirl's ass sucks canal water.
• Y'all have a nice weekend!

DUH!

I could have told you this! People have sex....why? Because it feels good, dumbass!

Here We Go Again!

Indianapolis Colts Player's Dogs Attack Woman, Child

Pit Bulls are really getting a bad rap these days in Indianapolis. This story is just weeks after Mayor Peterson considered a dangerous breed ban on the poor guys. As you can see from my previous post, I am a proud owner of such a dog. This woman, not the dogs, is to blame for this attack. Everyone knows that you should be careful around ANY dog with children around. These dogs were in their own home, this woman takes her screaming children into their house to feed them and then she is shocked when these animals attack her? She was an intruder as far as the dogs know, and dogs percieve children as a threat, especially if there is food involved.

Hell, even Timmy has wanted to attack a mother for not tending to her screaming brats!

Dog Days Of Summer

The Way I Are

Timmy bought this album this weekend. It's off the hook!

Freaky Friday

• Need good weather this weekend? Try a virgin weather voodoo trick!

• Are you into necrophilia? Head to Wisconsin!

• Like listening to City Band Music? Apparently God, Buddha, Jesus or whoever doesn't! Frankly, neither does Timmy!

All I Hear Is....

Questions / Answers

Q: Timmy, why didn't you watch the Live Earth Concerts?

A: I was busy shoveling coal into my styrofoam factory. Enjoying some roast penquin.



Q: Timmy, why didn't you watch the Democratic Debate?

A: Oops! I forgot, Al Gore came over and brought a bunch of his sons weed! Good shit man.



Q: Are you going to watch Lindsay Lohan on Jay Leno tonight?

A: Not anymore, that stupid bitch got arrested AGAIN! HAHA! ROFLMAO!



Q: What's it like living with Pablo?

A: Pablo is a dreamboat! Just ask him.

"You look glamorous! Are you wearing underwear?"

This makes me happy! I love Drew Carey. I was wondering about him the other night when I was watching Whose Line Is It Anyway reruns. I think I am going to have to get a television for my office so that I can watch him everyday!

-on another note-

Contrary to popular belief, the entire world doesn’t revolve around Harry Potter. Yes, the new Harry Potter movie is immensely popular. Yes, the new Harry Potter book has been coveted by frenzied hordes and leak freaks. But let's not forget what movie opens this weekend?!!? The Simpsons Movie! I'll bet Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa & Maggie give ol' Harry Potter a run for his money! I know I'll be at the box office this weekend.

Just in case you are wondering, No....Timmy did not go see Harry Potter. No. NO.

Milkshake, yummm!!

NOTE: This post 'is' TOTALLY safe for work, I promise :)

"Get over it. You didn't die."

Heather Chandler: You stupid fuck.

Veronica Sawyer: You goddamn bitch.

Heather Chandler: I brought you to a Remington party and what's my thanks? It's on a hallway carpet. I got paid in puke.

Veronica Sawyer: Lick it up, baby. Lick. It. Up.


I miss the great movies from the 80's!



Heather Chandler: Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Theresa? If I did, I probably wouldn't mind talking to the Geek Squad!

DEAR TIMMY

Dear Timmy:

I am a fairly happy newlywed. The first time I met my husband, I thought he was gay. Even months into our friendship, I still thought he was. Then he asked me out and we kissed and I was convinced otherwise. Now I am constantly flooded with suspicions. It's driving me crazy. I sometimes catch him staring at a man or standing in a weird way.

When we first started dating, one of his jerky friends told me that they'd had sex. I was told that was a joke. Just when I've convinced myself that I'm wrong, he goes and screams like a girl or crosses his legs or doesn't ask for sex or doesn't tell me I'm sexy or any number of things that are driving me bonkers. I've confronted him a couple times and he denies it up and down, but gets kind of defensive. I'm getting miserable.

—Suspicious Wife


Dear Susp:

Let's examine some of the causes of your suspicion that he's gay. Crossing of legs is inconclusive. Screaming like a girl is a little less inconclusive. Being told by a male friend of his that they had sex is definitely conclusive.

If you really want to find out if your husband is gay, I suggest that you go and rent some gay porn, maybe even buy a new dildo. Get hubby a little drunk, pop in the movie & get out your new toy. Or you could just invite his friend over and have hubby suck some dick. That should do the trick!

Your husband is a homo! See you in divorce court!

Love, Timmy

P.S. Here is a site that might help you out http://www.gayhusbands.com/

You Wanna See A Bitch Go Down The Slide?

Dinner last night with Val was amazing. Sorry, I won't be posting any pictures of him as requested. We dined at Maggiano's. Great food, awesome atmosphere. We sat right next to the Jazz pianist & bass player. Couldn't have asked for a better evening.

Got home this morning and tried to do a load of laundry, but apparently Pablo decided to break the washing machine. Thanks a lot asshole! Oh yeah, and thanks for farting on my pillows & breaking the washing machine so now I can't even wash them. You are so going to pay!

Pablo should stop killing spiders too, if he knows what's good for him!

6 Months Ago

Six months ago, today, I started dating the most wonderful man, Val. I am completely in love with Val. He is sweet, caring, smart, funny, sexy and best of all, he loves me too.

There is no formula or logic to love. You just feel it in your heart, your mind, and your soul. The feeling is something you can't describe but can arise at any moment, triggered by a memory, a word or a thought of that special person. A real love is someone that you cannot live without, someone who is constantly on your mind, day in and day out. It's someone you can't wait to talk to next. Someone who you can't wait to see for whatever reason!

I feel an overwhelming sense of complete surrender and awe for Val and a feeling of completeness when we're together -- and incompleteness when we're apart. My relationship with Val makes me want to be a better person, live a better life. I look into the future and I see him there with me. Though it is hard not to dream about tomorrow, I am so happy living in the now with Val.

I love you Val!

My Weekend

I....

• ...made delicious sushi rolls and drank sake.
• ...rearranged my mom's apartment for her.
• ...helped hang wall paper @ Val's.
• ...made yummy fajitas and drank whiskey.
• ...killed all the weeds growing in my yard, it was liberating.
• ...cleaned my pool.
• ...got more tan.
• ...drank more beer on Sunday than should be legal.
• ...ordered pizza and then I ated it.
• ...made fun of & annoyed Pablo whenever possible.

GASP! IT'S FRIDAY THE 13TH!

Are you a paraskevidekatriaphobe?

Here are some precautions you can take to stay lucky this Friday the 13th.

• Stand on your head and swallow a chunk of beef gristle.
• Take a holey sock to the top of a skyscraper or a mountain.
• Walk around the block with a mouthful of water--and be careful not to swallow it.
• Tie a sack of peony seeds around your neck (not too tight, though).
• Avoid crossing paths with a black cat.
• Do not walk underneath a ladder.
• Try not to break any mirrors!
• Say "Gesundheit!" or "Bless you!" if someone sneezes.

Good luck to you all! Have a great Friday!

Your Daily Horoscope

Your theme this week is "How can you do this to me?" You can't believe that The Sopranos is over. Worse yet, the series left viewers dangling with a bogus non-ending. And you're peeved that Ocean's Thirteen was so lame. Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones were right to steer clear of that one. A moon opposition has you moaning about how life isn't fair. Chill out, will you? Take two Cosmopolitans and call your therapist in the morning.

So Sorry

I feel bad that I have not had the time to keep up on all the great blogs listed on my sidebar. Ok, maybe I don't REALLY feel bad, but I do apologize.

Report: Many U.S. Parents Outsourcing Child Care Overseas

"I had to eat my own fingers!"

Things

• I filled out my returning student admissions application yesterday. Hopefully I will start school this fall with Leslie, Pablo, Val & Indygirl.


• I am really glad it is Friday. I was off Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday. Two day work weeks rock!


• I have absolutely no plans this weekend & it's great not having any commitments!


• I have nothing else to say. Hope everyone has a nice weekend!

Paddle Faster, I Hear Banjos!

I am in the front right side of the raft! Story later, it's time to go back to work!

So Long, Farewell!

Val & I leave tomorrow morning at 5a.m. for our weekend adventure here. I am pretty excited, I have never been white water rafting. I have taken off work Monday and Tuesday, and everyone has Wednesday off for the 4th. It should be a nice relaxing very long weekend! See you all next Thursday!

HOT

• I'm not feeling so hot today, I am going to stay home from work.


• I got the new White Stripes CD last night, it is HOT!


• This is why I'm hot.

The World Would Be A Much Better Place

• If More Magazines Did This!

• If More Politicians Did This!

• If More Entertainers Did This!

• If More Fashion Designers Did This!

• If Indygirl Would Stop Dressing Like This!

Tuesday

Oh Hell Nah!

This weekend there was a man shot while interceding in pit bull attack here in Indianapolis.

After a series of incidents this year involving pit bulls attacking young children and adults and inflicting serious injuries, Mayor Bart Peterson said this month he had decided to ask his staff to investigate ways to ban pit bulls in the city.

Margie Smith-Simmons, spokeswoman for the mayor, said staffers still are investigating the ordinances of other cities that restrict or ban pit bulls.

"We want to be sure that whatever we put forward benefits the citizens of Indianapolis,'' she said. The mayor doesn't have a deadline, she said, but she expects a proposal will be released by late summer or early fall.

OK, listen up. This is a bunch of crap. I have owned pit bulls for years now. Right now I own one of the most loving and sweet dogs anyone could ever want. I think there is no such thing as a bad pet, only bad pet owners. I guess me and Obi may have to find another pool to swim in, another city to live in. I mean, just look at him......so cute! The only mean thing that Obi does: he'll steal your raft in the pool if you aren't careful.

Timmy's Weekend Forecast

• FRIDAY: 80% chance of rain today and tonight.

T.G.I.F. Festivities will be held at The Sumner Compound this evening. All the regulars should be in attendance along with a special friend all the way from Florida! Yay.....Kent! Desiree will not be attending, her excuse for the 16th week in a row, "I have to go shopping for a new bed!" Let's hope she finally finds the bed of her dreams!

• SATURDAY: 40% chance of rain all day.

Val and I will be attending Brew-Ha-Ha 2007 . Four hours of all the great beers you can drink! Closest thing to heaven this side of the Mississippi!

• SUNDAY: 30% chance of rain all day.

And its going to be in the 90's all day. I think I will camp out in my back yard by the pool!

Is Anyone Else Concerned?

"She has long legs and chubby little toes exactly like Anna's; it's like a mirror image," Birkhead tells OK! magazine in its latest issue. "It's really incredible. And I think her lips are her mom's lips; especially when she pouts. ... She also gets what she wants exactly like her mom always did as soon as she'd pout."

Ok, I am a wee bit concerned with this proud fathers comments about his 9 month old daughter. Read some of his other quotes "I'm really hands-on, like too hands-on with my hand on the baby."

Yes, he actually said that.

I for one and deeply concerned for the well being of this child in the arms of a pedophile! I mean look at the picture above, he clearly has his hand next to her cha-cha! Yuck!

It's Back! Dear Timmy!

DEAR TIMMY:

I recently had surgery to correct a defect in my urethra. The medical term for it is "hypospadias." I let my co-workers know in an e-mail and provided a link to answer any questions they might have.

The link had a photo, and now some people are accusing me of "inappropriate conduct." I have since sent out an apology and a warning not to go to the link.

Timmy, it was not my intent to be unprofessional, but I didn't want to have 35 conversations about what the condition is, or 35 conversations about why I am walking so slowly and with a cane. How should I respond? -- HEALING IN NEW YORK CITY

DEAR HEALING MORON:

First of all, Freak Show, no one (and I mean NO ONE) gives a shit about your god damn medical problem. You think your co-workers care about you? No, they don't and neither does Timmy.

Secondly, maybe if your parents would have had you circumcised like normal folk then you wouldn't be dealing with this disgusting problem.

I mean, come on, a fucking picture? You sent a link with a fucking picture to 35 fucking people? Are you just retarded? You must have never gotten laid in your life and now you are doomed to never get laid for the rest of your pathetic life. You are a sad creature. That's right, I said CREATURE!

If I were your boss, I'd have fired your disgusting ass already! Best wishes!

LOVE, TIMMY

OH NOES!

• Running out of toilet paper is awful.

• Shopping for/buying a new car is stressful.

• Waking up to see Pablo everyday is nightmarish.

• Being the cutest boy in the office gets overwhelming.

• I don't know where I was going with this, but I forgets.

Study: Many Americans Too Fat To Commit Suicide

"But the fact that obesity impedes suicide is truly troubling. It appears that the more reason people have to die, the less capable they are of doing so. They are literally trapped in their grotesque, blubbery bodies."



Ha! I love The Onion!

How About

Down Payment

Anyone want to assist me with my downpayment money?

New Car Fever

Ok, so I got it. New Car Fever. I am going to look at one of these beauties later this afternoon. What? You don't like it? Well, fuck you!

SPECIAL RECRUITMENT OFFER NOW AVAILABLE: ATTENTION ALL HETEROSEXUAL MEN!

• Are you unhappy with your lifestyle?
• Do you yearn for more in entertainment than monster truck shows and rugby matches have to offer?
• Do beer commercials leave you bored and disinterested?
• Are you more than a decade behind in fashion?

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!

Act now and you will be well on your way to living a fabulous, glamorous lifestyle as a HOMOSEXUAL!!!

For a limited time only, homosexuals are recruiting heterosexual men to become just like us! Let us help you in your transformation from bland to fab!!!

We'll give you all the information and steps you need to become a happy, healthy, fab fairy like:

1. How to make your home "Garden & Home" ready with extra tips on antiques, scatter cushions and foreign art!
2. The "secret" list of all the Madonna, Cher, Barbra Streisand and Nataniel cd's you MUST own!
3. The tongue trick invented in 1978 in a back alley in Bloemfontein!
4. The address of the "private fan clubs" of Ricky Martin, Mika, George Michael, James Small and Elton John!
5. Why you must just say "no" to bi-level stepped haircuts and mullets!
6. Dance steps for even the most rhythmically impaired!
7. Why dancing with a shirt on is a big no-no - unless you haven't been to the gym!
8. Why you MUST go to the gym!
9. "Gaydar" lessons - you will finally know the truth about that uncle who never married!
10. "in" and "out" list for the current week!
11. Style & grooming tips for the self-respecting gay man - say goodbye to the uni-brow!
12. How to wear a g-string with poise and dignity!
13. A dialect coach to assist with gay lingo - learn terms like: * Twink* Muscle Mary* Drama Queen* Nora* Dora* Priscilla* Hilda* Bear* Otter ....and their importance in conversation
14. Significant historical dates you need to know:* The year Donna Summer won her first Grammy* Barbra Streisand's wedding anniversary* The day Judy Garland died* Liza Minnelli's last rehab anniversary* The anniversary of the day Elton John met David Furnish

ACT NOW AND YOU'LL RECEIVE A CLOSET WITH THE DOOR REMOVED TO SYMBOLIZE YOUR FREEDOM!

Don't delay any longer!

Don't you want more women hanging off you than when you were straight?

Call 1-800-GET-FABU to BEGIN YOU LIFE AS A FABULOUS FAG!

Call today. Operators are standing by!

Offer void in Kakamas, Belfast, Graafwater, Benoni, Nigel and Hekpoort

I Guess It's A Del Shores Weekend!

• Tonight I'm taking Val to see Southern Baptist Sissies. I went last year, it is an amazing show!

• Tomorrow Val & I are going to the Talbot Street Art Fair in the morning, hanging out by the pool in the afternoon and then going to the Italian Street Festival for some great food. We are also supposed to watch Sordid Lives, a movie that neither of us have seen.

• Sunday I have no plans, if the weather is nice maybe I will be by the pool again!

With All Due Respect, I Choose Not To Go Fuck Myself

As much as I, a gentleman, would like to accommodate you, I am nonetheless afraid that I must reject your suggestion out of hand. I find it flatly untenable. And though I appreciate the concern manifest in your statement regarding the use to which I might put my bottom, I do not consider the option of fucking myself—with a broomstick, sideways, as I believe you specified—to be a course of action worthy of my pursuit.

In fact, at the risk of sounding impolitic, your manner and phrasing have have caused me to doubt whether you have my best interests in mind. Indeed, sir, given the hostility and lack of propriety with which your suggestion was brought to my attention, I think that the case could easily be made that, conversely, you should be the one to go and fuck yourself.

Conversation

Preamble:



Went to dinner last night with a good friend, Joe. Val ended up joining us for a drink after and a couple of friends (Jodie and Jeremy) that were there pulled up some chairs. We are sitting there chatting and it strikes me that our waiter has become annoyed with us. "Like I really care," I say. My Val hasn't yet come to fully appreciate the mean and nasty Timmy that everyone else so loves. So, I go into telling him about lunch the previous day with Mommy a.k.a. Leslie. We were at Uno's and the waitress was being a little "over friendly" and recounting things that had happened to her that day. As the waitress was walking away, I exclaimed out loud "Like we really give a shit what happened to you!" - funniest part about it, the waitress heard what I had said. LOL!



As I recounted this story to everyone at the table last night, Val looks over and the following conversation took place:



Val: We are going to run out of places that we can go where you haven't pissed someone off.



Timmy: What do you mean? I go back to those places, I don't really care!



Jodie: Shit, honey, if we never went back to a place where Timmy pissed off someone, we'd never fucking eat!



Timmy: Well, maybe you could lose some weight in the process!



Everyone: LOL!

Ignorance in Arkansas

Letter to the editor of the Arkansas Democrat Gazette 4/16/07:

You may have noticed that March of this year was particularly hot. As a matter of fact, I understand that it was the hottest March since the beginning of the last century. All of the trees were fully leafed out and legions of bugs and snakes were crawling around during a time in Arkansas when, on a normal year, we might see a snowflake or two.

This should come as no surprise to any reasonable person. As you know, Daylight Saving Time started almost a month early this year. You would think that members of Congress would have considered the warming effect that an extra hour of daylight would have on our climate. Or did they?

Perhaps this is another plot by a liberal Congress to make us believe that global warming is a real threat. Perhaps next time there should be serious studies performed before Congress passes laws with such far-reaching effects.

Connie M. Meskimen, Hot Springs

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

I am ashamed to be from the same country as this idiot.

It's A Beautiful Day!

• First day in my plush new office, no more cubicles for Timmy!
• My Val came home last night, we had some hot M2M action, twice.
• Paris Hilton is in jail, gotta love that!
• This weekend is IndyPride, Southern Baptist Sissies, Talbott St. Art Fair and something else I cant remember.
• I've got a busy day, check in on you all laters!

OMG

Pablo is a Homo-incestual-pyro-negro philiac!

I'm gonna kick your god damn ass!

• Pissed at an underwriter, I think I am gonna smack a bitch.
• I miss my lover, Val, he has been gone 5 days, 5 more till he comes home.
• Pablo is a motherfucker, I will beat his ass too.
• Desiree is a meanie, she never hangs out anymore.
• It's hotterenhell outside, I wanna be by the pool instead of in this office.
• Fuck off.

STFU!

Sigh....another 3 day weekend passes. Here I am Tuesday morning, waking up tired & dreading the return to work and real life. I'll give you a brief run-down of how Timmy's weekend went.



Friday night was spent with the usual suspects (indy, Pablo, Leslie, Joshie). We were having a good ol' time when there was a knock on the door half way through the evening. In came my Mom, stumbling drunk but happy. She had just got in from Carb Day at the Track. She was so excited to tell me about her day.......here is how that conversation went:



Mom: OMG T, I had so much fun today!

Timmy: That's awesome Mom, did you like the entertainment?

Mom: Oh yes! It was great! I got to see the same person that played the very first concert I ever took you too.

Timmy: Really? Bon Jovi was there?

Mom: No, silly.....New Kids on the Block!

Timmy: WTF are you talking about Mom? New Kids on the Block were not at the track today, and besides I never admit going to that concert when I was a kid. Does anyone know who played the track today?

Leslie: It was Kid Rock, Tim.

Timmy: SEE Mom, it was NOT New Kids on the Block, it was Kid Rock!

Mom: Oh, what's the difference?

Everyone: LOLZ!~



Saturday was Britt's birthday...so Leslie, Josh and I took her to Rick's Boatyard.....Good times, seafood and strong drinks! Pics below.

We are some hot mofos!

Sunday was spent drinking beers by the pool and then Leslie and I went to the Vogue to see Here Come The Mummies. Great show....I got a little wasted on Long Islands and had to leave a little early. Butchie was there. I am sure he will post some pics!

Monday was recuperation day. Movies and couch time. Then Joshie brought over my new computer......and I loves it!

Gentlemen (and Ladies) START YOUR ENGINES!

Memorial Day Weekend in Indianapolis means ONE thing.......Indy Car Racing!!! And, of course, my girl Danika Patrick! Woo hoo! I might even turn straight for her, maybe.