DEAR TIMMY

Dear Timmy:

I am a fairly happy newlywed. The first time I met my husband, I thought he was gay. Even months into our friendship, I still thought he was. Then he asked me out and we kissed and I was convinced otherwise. Now I am constantly flooded with suspicions. It's driving me crazy. I sometimes catch him staring at a man or standing in a weird way.

When we first started dating, one of his jerky friends told me that they'd had sex. I was told that was a joke. Just when I've convinced myself that I'm wrong, he goes and screams like a girl or crosses his legs or doesn't ask for sex or doesn't tell me I'm sexy or any number of things that are driving me bonkers. I've confronted him a couple times and he denies it up and down, but gets kind of defensive. I'm getting miserable.

—Suspicious Wife


Dear Susp:

Let's examine some of the causes of your suspicion that he's gay. Crossing of legs is inconclusive. Screaming like a girl is a little less inconclusive. Being told by a male friend of his that they had sex is definitely conclusive.

If you really want to find out if your husband is gay, I suggest that you go and rent some gay porn, maybe even buy a new dildo. Get hubby a little drunk, pop in the movie & get out your new toy. Or you could just invite his friend over and have hubby suck some dick. That should do the trick!

Your husband is a homo! See you in divorce court!

Love, Timmy

P.S. Here is a site that might help you out http://www.gayhusbands.com/